On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
