I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
