if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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