Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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