last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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