I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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