First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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