Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
