How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
