Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How's work?
Spinning.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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