You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize