apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
