I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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