She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
