stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize