you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
