You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
