Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm having to shit out rocks
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
