Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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