When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
