Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
