1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
