Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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