New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize