Tell her she can't have a vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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