i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
