I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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