I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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