Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
