Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
