Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
