Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
