I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
