I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
