If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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