please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
