i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
