Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
