I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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