1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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