Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
there is puke in my bra ... again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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