when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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