So drunk its hurt
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
