His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
