omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
