if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
