Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
