just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize