i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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