every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
