over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He did a backflip because drugs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
