Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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