I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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