Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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