Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize