I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
