rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
