Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we're making bets on your personal life
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
