omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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